About Josh

It's hard to refer to Josh in the past tense. Even now, the taste of it is bitter on my tongue.

Because it's hard to think of Josh as gone. And in many ways, he isn't gone. He's still here. His optimism is in the morning sunshine, bright after a long night. His playfulness is in the rainfall's tap, tap, tap, bouncy and excitable, the break in a drought of smiles. His determination and forward thinking dreams in the very stars, a north guiding him in his wants and wishes. And when I remember him, when I think of the space he occupies in my heart, soul and memories, he lives once again.

The world was, is, and will be better because of Josh.

You could never meet someone with as much enthusiasm for music as Josh. He had a thirst to discover new artists, from all genres. He never discriminated. Chopin, however, was his favorite composer (fantastic taste!). One of his songs plays on this webpage. You probably recognize this one: Op. 9 No. 2.

With a playlist in hand for every occasion, he had just the right song for the right mood. Josh was a great lover of the piano and violin as well; having such a way of words, he wrote so beautifully about the pieces he loved. Wrote with so much tenderness. The notes seemed to float up from the page, into your inner ear. It was a gift. He would have made a wonderful music therapist.

Josh loved rainy weather, gummy bears, and taking long drives to see what there was to see. He adored Fire Emblem, having played almost every game in the series. He was the one who originally introduced it to me, and I still play them today: another way his memory persists. Often, we would share book recommendations with each other. Josh was something of a gym rat, too, and you wouldn't believe his workout playlists. I admired his tenacity and consistency that he applied there, and in other areas of his life--including his relationships.

A lover of the natural world, he enjoyed taking hikes, being among the greenery. On clear nights, he would drive out to favorite stargazing spots, seeking out constellations new and made up. Seeking out his hopes for the future.

And Josh loved cats.

Like, really loved them. While he enjoyed visiting my cats and others, it breaks my heart knowing he never had one as a pet. And so, at least on this webpage, he can have as many as he wants. That's why this webpage is covered in them. It's the least I can do for him.

Our Friendship

Would you believe that one of the core memories associated with our friendship was a creepypasta about a Tails doll? All his doing, not mine. When we were in the eighth grade, he gave me fanart he drew of it, completely unwarranted. I didn't get it, and even now, I don't, really. I still have all his drawings from then, though.

Josh and I were friends for over 13 years. We lost contact for a while, on account of going to different high schools. Eventually we reconnected, and it was like no time had passed. Like time didn't matter.

After reconnecting, we talked almost every single day, to the point of his death. Even if it was just a quick text saying hello. There was always something. In many ways, we watched each other grow up into young adults, learning how to navigate the world as we shook off the difficulties and angst and hormones of teenhood.

I'm not the only one who misses him. His family, his friends, his girlfriend... there will always be a Josh-shaped hole in our universes. We are blessed to have known him, to have him play a special part in our lives, even if we'd do anything to have him back.

Like I said, it's hard referring to him in the past tense, because it's like he's still alive. Strange as it sounds, sometimes I forget he's dead. When you live with the expectation that you'll be friends with someone for eternity, your brain struggles with adjusting. It's tough. Years later, the grief can still sting.

But even in death, he continues to give me so many gifts. Like the gift of knowledge.

The gift of knowing how fragile life is, that one puff of air and your candle blows out. The gift of knowing how your dreams don't wait for you, that time keeps ticking away. And the gift of knowing how rare it is to be here, to have the opportunity to live at all. The odds against a trillion-sided die.

I am deeply fortunate that the die had rolled in our favor, for us to have known each other. How incredible, how important. How special.

I love him always.

Pictures

Animal Crossing

Josh and I loved playing Animal Crossing together! Here are some of pictures of the adventures we had. I'll continue to add more as I find them!