10/15/23 | Time | Moon | Mood |
|---|---|---|
| Time to Rest! | New Moon in Libra | Tired yet content, you know the feeling! |
Five guests came, so there were six people total, including me. I had invited a few others, but they couldn't come due to illness or other conflicts. That's alright though, there's always next time, and six ended up being a great number! Mixing friends from various facets of your life can be a little nerve wracking, since I tend to worry about everyone feeling comfortable and included, but that wasn't a problem! Everyone got along and had fun, with a ton of laughter at dinner. The vibe was super cheerful---yippe!
Here's a picture of my table setting. As you can see, I went with a vintage, old-timey style. Cutesy cozy Halloween is my favorite aesthetic for the holiday, so I totally leaned into that here. Each plate had a reproduction of a vintage postcard and mini pumpkins that my friends took home as flavors, plus little baggies of caramel corn.
For dinner, I made a rigatoni bolognese. Pasta is a good choice for events like this, since it appeals to a variety of palettes and tastes. It was my first time making this recipe, and it ended up being pretty good! I wish the sauce had turned out thicker, but everyone enjoyed it, which is reassuring! This was paired with an Italian salad with a parsley and basil dressing.
Dessert was the star of the show: it was a dessert bar! That afternoon, I had sliced up some apples, and then served those with caramel, hot fudge, and various toppings. My friends dressed the apples however they liked, and loved them! What made the difference was having high quality apples to choose from imo. Paired with the apples were sugar cookies, caramel corn, and a few extra treats my dad had picked up. Everyone loved it!!
Before you freak out, I didn't do all this the day of! Much of the food was prepped the days before, so I wouldn't be running around in circles. On Thursday I made the caramel corn and sugar cookie dough, Friday I baked the cookies and cobbled up the salad dressing, which left everything else on Saturday. The caramel corn and sugar cookies are the most timeconsuming recipes of the bunch, so doing them earlier in the week saved a ton of time. While spreading the work out was helpful, next party I will do even more in advanced. There was more to do than expected, all stuff easily prepped prior. Lesson learned!
For me, hosting is a treat unto itself. Creating special experiences for loved ones and yourself is a wonderful way to to celebrate... whatever, honestly! The season! Holidays! Your relationships! All good stuff!! I'm fortunate to have had both the chance to do this for Halloween, and the support from others to help me accomplish my vision. I am proud of myself for seeing it through and sharing it with my friends!! ;o;
While writing this, I'm just sitting here totally dead, but I'm excited to throw another shindidg. Maybe for Christmas? Yes, for Christmas! Not everything you do needs to be an Event(tm), but throwing an Event(tm) is fun on occasion.
Today I am resting and recovering, but hopefully more funs times are ahead! Okay, is this enough of an ending? Probably not, it's a little stark, buuuut sure, why not! Let's take it!
10/10/23 | Time | Moon | Mood |
|---|---|---|
| Early Evening | Waning Crescent in Virgo | Like butter scraped across too much bread |
Last night, I came to the realization that I'm socially burnt out. Socially exhausted. BEEN exhausted, for who knows how long. And it's evoking weird, confusing feelings.
For one thing, the small part of me hasn't learned to be gentle with myself feels like this is unjustified. This voice asks why I bother to feel this way, when I haven't done much (or enough) at all. Why aren't I present enough, why aren't I responsive enough? Why, why, why! It's negative belief system of mine that I'm trying to unlearn: the constant shifting of goalposts for the expectations I set myself. While it's taken a lot of effort, I have seen improvement over time, which is encouraging! But if a belief system is ingrained deep enough, then it's a process of constant reworking.
Another little part of me feels guilty. This little parts carries the shame for even expressing that I'm socially burnt out. It's the one that wonders if my loved ones will feel sad or disappointed because of this. Again, as I write it out, I realize that it connects directly to the belief of high expectations that can never be met. These little parts parallel one another.
Since Josh's passing, I've had this burning flame within me to make the most out of life. What we have is so precious and rare, and I want it to be as fulfilling as possible. I want to do stuff and make memories; I want to seize it for what it is. But this is also juxtaposed with how socially (and honestly, maybe even emotionally) wrung out.
I'm blessed to be surrounded by so much love and warmth; I cherish the relationships in my life, and I want to do my best within each of them. But how do I keep up with each and every one of them? Internet and IRL ones alike, which require different energy and expectations? How am I supposed to pour equal amounts of attention into each? How do I balance my need to recharge without either looking like a forgetful flake or a jerk who does not care?
There's so much pressure in our world to always be available. Things are not the same as they were even two decades ago. While it's a blessing to have such communication advancements and to connect with somebody instantly, no matter the time or place, there's a pressure to always be available. For some, not getting back to a text in a few days can be a cause for worry. Unplugging can be a cause for worry! Being bombarded with a ton of different conversations at once, all centering around different moods and topics and relationships is exhausting for our brains---not to mention the mental toll of clicking back and forth, opening and closing apps, fluttering across various Discord channels. It's massive amounts of information to process, and we get worn out.
It's gotten to the point where thinking about certain things evoke a level of dread--another thing I'm torn about, because, like! I'm looking forward to my party! I'm always happy when I do stuff with others! So it's like, hey, what gives! But to me, it's apparent that if I have gotten to this point, then something needs to be addressed. Something has to give.
So, how do you keep up with all of this?
You can't, probably.
A friend pointed out to me that this is why Christmas cards became a thing: yearly friend update, hooray! There was an acceptance that even if a friend wasn't a regular constant, they would still have an important presence despite any distance.
Like, I'm in all of this stuff deep. Writing it down has painted a picture of how far this extends. It's also long way of saying "I think I'm an introvert, or an ambivert at best." The thing is as well is that I know I can't be the best version of myself if I don't set these boundaries with myself or others. That's really the cure-all to most ills in life, huh?: boundaries, and direct communication.
Herein lies the question: how does one recover from social fatigue when you still feel that longing? When your job requires interaction with others? There must be ways. After all, many have experienced just this before.
Even though I want to live fully, you can't do it on empty. And honestly, a part of living a full life is respecting your distinct needs and nurturing them. Actions and words aren't the only way that other people feel love, too. Memory and connecting with certain periods evoke this too, and with that, the relationship is sustained and continually given new life. For now, the engine needs to be flipped off.
So, where do we go from here? Has anyone here experienced social burnout? If so, please reach out to me! I'd love to hear your thoughts and what recovery has looked like for you.
Burnout is such a tricky beast, but there has to be some salve to soothe this.
10/5/23 | Time | Moon | Mood |
|---|---|---|
| Bath Time | Last Quarter in Cancer | Reflective |
And anyhow, after all that, I don't even know what to write about!
Making my October diary layout was less about fulfilling the urge to blog, and more so about fulfilling the urge to set the layout up for future entries. I still plan to journal about time perception (what's spookier than that), but that's more involved than what I have the time and energy tonight.
What else... well, I thought it would be fun to record some Halloween and autumn-related memories, so here's this!
This year, my friend gave me the idea of a vintage butterfly for my Halloween costume! I adore that idea, but we'll see if I even have time to make it. Finger's crossed and here's hoping! If it doesn't work out, I might rewear a cosplay instead.
For example, over these past few weeks, I've taken a lot of pleasure in watching the leaves turn. The green brightens into sunshine yellows, before sparking into bursts of reds and oranges, cooling off into ashy browns. I make it sound like it happens in a snap, but it's a gradual process. Taking the time to observe the shifts and turns of the season, however, lets me appreciate nature's patient work. I'm going to collect some that have fallen already to press and save.
Thinking about it now, this entry is probably full of typos, buuuut... that's Tomorrow Sarah's problem!That's it for now---hoping my next entry has more substance! Have a goodnight, everybody!
