Since my last update, things have been... going, lol. As they do. I attended therapy again a couple days ago and will continue on a relatively consistent basis. Once you clean out one thing, you see how much clutter is in your brain's closet. Thankfully the session wasn't as intense as the previous, but it was still draining. I had turned in my "homework" that my therapist assigned to me, which was to write a letter that directly addressed what had happened and my understanding of it. While super helpful with processing, you can imagine how it would feel in the moment!

"Drained" is probably the best word to describe how I feel as of late; drained and down and straight up tired. Putting the pieces of yourself back together zaps your energy, especially since you won't be like how you were before. Hope can still be found though: if the aftermath sucks, then you're doing the important work of healing, which IS hard. So there's that. And I'm proud of myself for having the courage to face it at all, to acknowledge that it was unnecessary for me to carry any guilt at all and that it falls back to the perpetrator.

Thinking about and working through this is painful, but a weight in my chest has lifted. It feels like something that lurked inside me has finally been released. Looking back now do I see how heavy it was.

Whenever I'm going through something difficult, I have a tendency to isolate myself from others and just... the world and its going-ons. My motivation nosedives, too. Much of my processing occurs in these moments of privacy, where I'm able to dive into my internal world and navigate it alone. This time around, I'm trying to balance this pattern of behavior with keeping myself occupied with loved ones and interests.

Last week's Friday's hangout with my childhood bestie was just what the doctor ordered; I'm so grateful for her listening ear, for her support. And on Friday a few days ago I met up with a few friends to try a new bakery that had opened recently. Scream-laughing with sweets is a wonderful medicine too. My mom and I saw a stage performance last night which I'm planning on reviewing. My daily meditations are a highlight. I'M LOVING the Gravity Falls renaissance, expect more about that later. Along with these things, I'm of course making time for self-care and hobbies, including continuing to developing this website.

I think that's about it for now. To whoever reads this, thank you so much for listening. The little community on here is another bright spot!

Love,
Sarah

Yesterday, I had the most intense therapy session of my life.

What we discussed is nothing I'll talk about publicly, it's all very private. But it's paradigm shifting, and now I have to live in a new reality of myself. It's strange coming to terms with this.

What had happened to me is something I had been in denial over. Lots of excuses and rewriting of narratives because the reality was too painful to face had on. But I'm looking at it straight in the eye, and it's blinding me. It's that painful.

Now there's a part of me that feels like a total stranger. A stranger who is raw and vulnerable and very hurt. I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling so powerless. But knowing this, starting to understand it, puts so many other incidents in my life in perspective, the "why" behind certain choices and reactions.

It's so weird though, it feels like I have to meet myself all over again.

I don't know. I think life is going to be hard for a while, or at least the process of healing and recovering from this. But I'm fortunate to be surrounded by loved ones. I'm seeing a best friend of 20 years today, and it'll be good. It's a lucky thing to have known and loved someone for that long, a person you can be truly candid with. It's freeing.

And on the topic of freedom: no matter how much my heart may hurt right now, there's a space in my chest that feels lighter than it has been in years. Now that the feeling has been spoken and named, it can't go back in Pandora's Box. Ultimately, that's a good thing. Things can't and shouldn't stay trapped, otherwise they'll fester. We can only carry them for so long.

Love,
Sarah

Time: Late morning
Mood: Sorta groggy
Listening To: Not much Wah, I can't believe the Olympics are over today! They only last a couple weeks, but I'm gonna get withdrawls anyway. ; __ ; There are so many events I haven't checked out yet--hopefully replays pop up somewhere?

Being so tuned into the Olympics has been inspiring me. Even though I am never gonna be an Olympic athlete (but never say never? LOL), I want to experience what an a really athletic body feels like. Sure I enjoy exercising and movement and staying on top of it, but I really want to commit to getting in shape, at least to the point of not experiencing physical limitations on activities I want to do. There are a ton of different metrics attempting to define what being "in shape" or "fit" means, numbers that can make your head spin. However, I prefer taking a more personal approach, especially considering that different athletes will have different regimes depending on their goals. I'll never pursue the type of program required to run a marathon and I'm totally okay with that lmao. Wish me luck on my journey!!

What else... well, this weekend I went to dim sum with an old friend of mine! Tell me why that meat wrapped in a carb is one of the best universal food groups that exist. Wish I remembered to take more pictures of our dishes, but we were both eager, haha. ;u; We ordered siu mai, steamed BBQ pork puns, soup dumplings, and more. A dim sum feast for sure! My friend was so kind and paid for my birthday too, which really touched me! I'm so lucky tbh ;w;

Yesterday my mom and I initiated a large clean out project. My grandma is downsizing and she's passed on a lot of things to us: furniture, clothes, knickknacks, linens, crystal, you name it, we have it. It's like an antique shop has been dropped off at our house! Excited to share pictures of some of the bonkers (affectionate) stuff that we dig up.

A highlight from our treasure trove however, was a collection of old photographs and letters from family members she had saved. And they're old pieces too, like from the turn of the early 20th century and even further back. They're so precious in the very best way, the kind of precious that can only be evoked by sweet sincerity. You hear stories about people, but having these physical objects that prove their existence make them feel real. Tangible. For someone like me who sometimes feels disconnected with her lineage, this is really special.

Throughout the summer I've been embarking on a clean out project of my own. I'm facing in the innards of my closet and cupboards and getting ORGANIZED!! Each week I take on a different section and focus my attention on that. Organization like this is not a strength of mine, but I see the ways they streamline things to further """optimize""" life. So storage strategies ahoy, let's try our best! If anyone has any suggestions on maximizing a small amount of personal space, then please let me know. I'd love to hear what works for you!

I'm planning on a room tour when everything's finished. While I'm really proud of my progress so far, there are few additions I'd like to add before sharing pictures of it, ie., finding a new bed frame. After those final touches we should be good to go!

Well, that's all I have to share for now. Just like in my real life, I want to continue cleaning up my website by refurbing different pages. Next will be the bedroom, probably. I've never been fully happy with the outcome so I might as well figure out a redesign. A library expansion is in order, and lots of little logs need catchup, too. It's a rush chasing the dragon of a shiny new project, there's a lot to tend and prune already. Can't that be said for so many things?

Love,
Sarah

Time: Midday
Mood: Optimistic!
Listening To: Olympics coverage lol Quick update since I've been quite the busy bee lately! Remember how a few entries ago I wrote about how I didn't want to save all the assignments for my painting class until the last minute?

[clickbait voice] Well, you'll never guess what happened next!

Let's say the only Artfight I participated in this year was against the stack of paintings that towered over me. The class was structured so we were assigned one or two projects per week, right? As it goes, I had to cram like 6-7 of those within a two week span––oops! To be fair this marathon painting session was mostly due to having COVID. Even after my fever broke I wasn't healthy enough where I was up to painting, so hence the marathon and lack of site updates. All this isn't mentioning the work for my psychology class, too. Despite finishing everything up on Friday, I'm still fatigued.

But enough complaining! Somehow, I finished everything! After a nonstop painting marathon, it's still super surreal knowing I won't be hunched over my desk for hours on end. Is it funny that a part of me misses it a bit? There's something to be said about being totally immersed in your creative projects, and that's what I long for in life--but not the part where I was held at gunpoint essentially lmao. I want to continue painting though, plus learning more about it! I want to challenge myself to paint something once a week, perhaps.

OH, and you will absolutely see my work for the class! Creating an art gallery is one of my biggest priority items for my website atm!!

My birthday was on the 29th of July. In the blink of an eye, it came and went. Due to me playing catchup, I didn't have a chance to do much the week of. But I'm making plans to celebrate belatedly! Dinner plans with friends one night, a beach trip another day, a reunion with some college friends, and so on. Should be fun stuff! I'm also itching to throw a party at some point, so maybe I'll use my birthday as an excuse LOL

Birthdays are weird. Like, tbh. Last year's birthday I was super melancholy especially. Often around the time leading up to it I find myself focusing on what I haven't accomplished yet, beating myself up for letting time slip through my fingers. There was a little bit of that brooding this year, but not as much. Instead, I actively worked to focus on what I have done, taking time to celebrate. Needless to say, much healthier approach to take––and with the added bonus of being excited to move forward!

Still, it's hard to believe my twenties are coming to a close. In all honesty, I find life becoming easier the older I get––or at the very least I'm growing more confident in myself, which for sure makes life easier. When you have confidence in yourself, everything else seems to fall into place. Though obtaining it can be easier said than done. And while a part of me feels frightened to turn 30, in my heart of hearts I know that era of my life will only hold blessings.

Alrighty, that's enough navel gazing for now! Hope everyone reading this is doing well, and I'm so excited to be back. Inkcaps is my baby, and I don't like being away from it for too long, haha! ;w;

Love you and see you all again soon!

Love,
Sarah

Time: Noonish (apt given today's material)
Mood: Fried, but not burnt Listening: Synthwave mix, the 2023 Broadway cast of Sweeney Todd earlier I swear, the hardest part of writing these things can be thinking of how to begin. Well, a simple hello can suffice, right? So... hi! Hey! What's up?

What's up with me? Well just like that, in the blink of an eye, my summer classes are wrapping over the next 10 days. Honestly? The experience been disappointing, and not because of the material or structure or professors. Due to having and recovering from COVID, I lost a ton of time to devote myself to my studies! I really waned to take the time to savor the material, but now it feels I have to buckle down and focus on catching up. Getting sick is something you have no real control over, but alas. ; __ ;

Lately, the current object of my fascinations is with thin places. A thin place is a concept where it is said the veil between our world and the worlds outside of it are thin--a crossing of boundaries, so to speak. Places with weak walls. Where even if you can't see or describe it, you can sense something sacred. While the term "thin places" is of Celtic origin, other cultures have their own language of the concept. These places are sometimes warm, other times dark.

Like I mentioned in my Q&A from June, I've always been interested in mysticism, even as a child. And even without having the words to describe it, I've picked up on places like this. Putting what it feels exactly is hard to put into words; it's something that feels intuitive and innate, like when you know you just KNOW. There's so much mystery in our world, it's quite beautiful. And much of the world's weirdness, in my opinion, consists of things we can't categorize yet. Is emotional residue a thing? Literal echoes of the past? Are there rifts in time and space that can occur but our current knowledge of physics can't explain? Divine origin? Higher dimensional beings? The paranormal? Nothing's more powerful than the numinous, and nothing is more complex than life itself. It makes me ache.

A part of me feels self-conscious talking about this sort of stuff, like I'll be seen as strange or stupid, or make others uncomfortable, but there's the other side that so badly wants to talk about these things!

Here are some places where I've encountered this feeling of thinness:

-Among the redwoods and sequoias. Walking through groves of them, with silvery fog and mist curling around their trunks, is utterly otherworldly
-Mt Shasta and the land around it
-Certain areas of Los Angeles where reality can feel so false
-The surf of the ocean. You stand in it and you're swept away by its vastness and age
-The low rolling hills of the Ozarks
-Various ancestral places
-Late autumn
-Battlefields can be restless
-THE DESERT HOLY CRAP!! Especially at night, underneath the sky's starry sweep
-Stage theaters. The constant rotation of different stories that pull people into different places, the strong emotions that are drawn from the actors and audience alike. It can get weird

Anddd here's a list of places that seem thin that I'd like to experience fisthand:

-The Appalachian mountains. They are older than bones and I want to walk their earth
-Northern reaches of Alaska--lots of Alaska
-Births and deathbed; transient periods of a person's life
-New Orleans seems incredibly charged
-Miyajima, Japan
-Pockets of volcanic activity in Iceland
-And of course, rings of standing stones

Of course this list is in no way definitive. There are many more places that I've felt or want to feel someday, buuuut... now I'm tired of writing, lmao. Lots of interesting food for thought with this stuff though! To be honest I'm done writing and am unsure of how to end this with entry other than being like "haha, cool stuff!", so I'll end this with an invitation to share your own experiences with me! I'd love to hear if this resonates with you at all, so please feel free to reach out. And if not... well, thank you for entertaining me regardless, LOL!

Until next time friends, please take care!

Love,
Sarah

Time: Half past noon
Mood: Hopeful!
Listening To: Nothing Exciting news: I'm pretty sure I'm over the worst of my COVID! While I still have a cough and some congestion, your girl is currently fever-free! Super thankful for this, because I'm looking forward to a return to normalcy. Most of my last week was spent resting, keeping my activity at a minimum––and playing Neopets lol. And, of course, thinking.

I think that when your life is brought to a stand still, a distinct type of mental clarity emerges. Your priorities sort themselves out. You're able to see what's important without the fog of certain mundanities clouding it. Okay and like real talk––I had more to say on this topic, but my energy just nosedived and I lost my train of thought lol. BUT! Know that I'm excited to tackle things with a fresh and reenergized perspective! Yay!

That's it for now, just wanted to write a little since that's a way of creating normalcy too. Take care!

Love,
Sarah

Time: Twilight
Mood: Under the weather :/
Listening To: A vlog! A new week and a new diary entry, yay! What's not so yay though? How I'm currently running a temperature. Crossing fingers that it's just a fluke because I have tickets for a show this Saturday! @ _ @;

The holiday weekend was very soothing. A friend of mine came over on the 4th for dinner and then we went to see fireworks. The display was spectacular. Thanks to the sheer size of many of them, the sky was lit up with a sparkly rain of color showering down upon us. My favorites are the ones all gold and glittery, that crackle, fizz, and pop, and dance around like fairies! The guy sitting behind my friend's and me's blanket was absolutely hilarious too. He was super into it and had a running stream of commenting to anyone who would listen--and he wasn't annoying either, just super enthusiastic and good-natured! It was sweet to hear.

I had plans to visit another friend on Saturday, buuuuut TL;DR not only did I forget to take my SSRI until late Friday night, I forgot that it triggers insomnia me so I was up all night! Oops. She was understanding though so we just decided to make plans for another time. In the end I had a lazy day that entailed lots of movie watching.

Working on my Aerith shrine has been very gratifying lately, specifically with my never-ending hunt for "old web" sozai, artwork, graphics... the works. In a sea of broken links and images, I feel like an archeologist discovering the artifacts of a lost civilization––and when you unearth something new, your findings feel just as exciting! While it's super fun, it's a bit melancholic as well. These deep dives are such a rush, but you also stumble upon a stuff that is just... gone. Ghosts of people's old fanworks that aren't archived properly on the Wayback Machine. There are a ton of little galleries that now host nothing but those cursed little white squares, the headstones of old creations. It's sad to see these once thriving Final Fantasy VII fansites like, dead-dead. Dead and not preserved properly.

What does exist is all the more special because of it. Old school sprites and pages and graphics and stuff is just so precious. Precious is the best word to describe it. Precious not in a demeaning way, but precious because of the sincerity. Like I don't want to totally indulge in nostalgia because there were many issues in fandom unique to the era, but I wish there was more unabashed sincerity nowadays.

Maybe this sounds silly, but I see my Aerith shrine not only a place to celebrate my favorite character, but also an archive for these old fandom remnants. A space to hoard data in case it gets completely obliterated. It just feels like, important to me to preserve these snapshots. Especially for a fandom as old as FFVII, it feels important to look back on its history--along with bringing together different generations of fans. I think a preservation project for the entirety of FFVII would be too big in scope for me, but I'm going to do my very best for Aerith, so cheer me on! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

If you're reading this and happen to have old Aerith fanart/graphics/etc., that you'd like to share, then please feel free to email me or leave a comment on my Neocities profile. I'd love to host it and give it a home!

Anyway, I think that's it for now! Just wanted to give a quick recap of what I've been up to and upload these entries more frequently. Take care everyone!!

Love,
Sarah

Time: Early evening
Mood: sdfsdfsdfds
Listening To: Not much Was my last entry actually on June 13th?! Whack! 2024, please slow down, there's still so much that I need to do but haven't yet.

Lately haven't felt the urge to do much journaling on here––or have had much to say at all, frankly. A large reason why I'm writing now at all is because I want to work on some creative projects but... my brain's gears needed greasing. They've needed greasing for the last few weeks. Though I'm totally clueless as to why, lately I've been feeling so... lethargic. Languid. Another L word of your choice. But then on the flip side of the coin, there's the part of me that feels so restless!

Writing this all out is making me consider that perhaps I'm just. Bored lmao. Boredom is a sure fire way to land a person at the Lethargy-Restless Combo Restaurant. Not to mention how it can sap away your energy; an object in motion stays in motion, and it might stay stuck in place if it stays still for too long. Even on days where I'm tired and want nothing more to cloister myself away, it's important for me to find ways to make things interesting, no matter how small. After all, how else do you build your energy back up?

Hmm, what else... well, both my classes are going well! Though admittedly I'm a bit behind in my painting class. My professor is super lax about due dates, which is a double edged sword. Being able to relax and not stress is nice, but having strict deadlines kick my butt into action! Ah well, maybe sharing a gallery to display my artwork on my website will be the thin to inspire me (not to mention the dread of having to do everything at once "OTL)

Fandom wise, I've been shifting back into Zelda Mode. I've been reading the Twilight Princess manga and OHHHH MY GOODNESSSSS. While there are certainly elements of it that I don't care for, the highs are unreal and feel catered to my tastes lmao! Cyclical trauma? Link having a horrible time? Exploring the horrors of being the plaything of the goddess? Zelda and Ganondorf having tea and playing 5D chess with one another? Link and Midna KISSING before being doomed to eternal separation from the other?! It really doesn't get better than that!! Like I said the highs have me hooting and hollering and beating my fists against my chest.

Returning to the Legend of Zelda always feels like a homecoming, and there's a lot I'd like to write for it! The subtext is so top tier, perfect fodder for stuff like that. If you read this, please share with me what your favorite Zelda game is!

Writing this ended up really cheering me up, and I'm invigorated to channel my creativity after a day chock-full of brain fog. I hope you're all doing well, and until next time!~

Love,
Sarah

Time: Midmorning
Mood: Content
Listening: Lofi mix, coworkers' chatter Good morning good morning, happy June! This is my favorite time of year, honestly. No other time thrums with the energy of late spring and early summer. A sense of exhilaration seems to pervade throughout it. I'm looking forward to celebrating the season with picking fresh fruit, beach jaunts, theatre, and soaking up lots of sunshine and long starry nights!

I actually meant to have my summer diary layout up last week, but... I started playing the Sims 2 again. And if you've ever played the Sims 2, then you know how impossible it is to be normal about that game in particular. Something about its gameplay loop is so addictive! It's honestly the only one in the franchise that I play. The Sims 3 has some interesting gameplay elements, but I couldn't get into it, and well. The less I say about EA's nickel and dime-ing for the broken, buggy mess that is the Sims 4, the better! I guess being snobbish about Sims games is a weird hill to die on, but here we are!

(This isn't mentioning my GI issues that have held me up, but that's all I'll say about that!)

Speaking of layouts, you'll have to tell me what you think of it! I was inspired by Kiley's layering of different backgrounds and wanted to give it a try myself. It took some trial and error finding something I liked, but in the end I'm pretty pleased with the final product! These are the verdant summers I dream of. ; __ ;

In all honesty I don't feel like doing a ton of blogging right now, so maybe in the next few days I'll go into more detail about what I've been up to. For now let me share the highlight reel! Recently I went cherry picking with one of my best friends, and this week I started my summer classes! This session I'm taking a class on personality psychology and beginner's painting. Both my professors are great so far and I'm very super enthusiastic about the material! I can't wait to share more when I'm further along. Being in school right now just like... feels good. I like the tangible goals it offers, the chance to learn more and expand my knowledge. Great stuff!!

Lately I've been having a lot of fun with cooking too! For Father's Day this weekend, I'm planning on doing steak kabobs for dinner and a key lime pie for dessert! My dad is a big fan of both, and with how the temperature soared into the high 90s the other week, a key lime pie sounded so... refreshing. I've been taking pictures of my various meals, so I think actually sitting down to design my kitchen page so I have a proper place to share my adventures will be my next big website adventure.

Andddd I think that's it for now! I'm alive and kicking and I'm excited to see what the season has in store for us. Take care everyone!!

Love,
Sarah