It feels like there's something happening in our collective conscious, within the world's ether. Is it just me, or are there major shakeups at play? Does this resonate with anyone? Lots of people I know are either in the middle of or are initiating big changes. Here's what's off the top of my head:

1. My mom got a new job recently.
2. My (now former) supervisor was hired for a role in another department on campus. We were hit with the dreaded "R" word that nobody in education wants to hear: restructuring.
3. One friend is in talks of moving to the Pacific Northwest.
4. Another friend, while still staying in her current city, is moving into a new apartment with her boyfriend.
5. Somebody else moved back home.
6. The one who I helped with the cover letter isn't the only person seeking new careers.
7. The general shifts within familial dynamics that come with my brother and SIL having a baby.
8. I am beginning the process of applying to gr*d school.
9. And, the biggest change of all, my dad is experimenting with facial hair!! Ahhhh!!

We're not even halfway through the year either! What more can go down in the next seven months?! Truthfully, I am rather scared-excited to find out. Can the world stop turning for a second and let me catch my breath? Let me process? A little bit, as a treat? Pretty please with a cherry on top?! Your girl needs a chance to ADJUST!

Okay, seriously. Change can make anyone nervous. Humans are creatures of comfort and habit; so often we will hang onto bad jobs, relationships, situations, etc., because it's what we know, not because it's serving us or even something we actually want. That's how afraid of it we can be, that we will continually let ourselves be consumed by the inertia of our own lives if it means not budging. But is that anyway to thrive? No, of course not. Nothing would happen, otherwise.

As a result, change is something I've really sought to grow more accepting of. It may not always be the most comfortable thing, but many (most) worthwhile things in life aren't. Change facilitates growth, and confidence––if you continually embark on an unknown path, then it only stands that you will grow comfortable with discomfort. It isn't always easy, but so often it's worth doing. That said, I hope everything will turn out alright for everybody in my life! ; __ ; It can suck if something doesn't meet our expectations, or if we struggle within that weird transitional period as we adjust. I'll have to find ways to be supportive in every way that I can.

WELL, in a lighter news, I had a very fun day yesterday! My mom and I went to a vintage clothing fair and we had a blast! Imagine row after row of vintage shops and vendors in an old, decommissioned military building, and you'll have a dream come true. The fair does different themes for their events, and this time it was western, honky-tonk sort of deal that was popular in the midcentury. Dressing within the theme isn't a requirement, but seeing patrons and vendors alike in their country-inspired best was super cute, honestly! It's not a style I typically gravitate towards, but I must admit that I want a pair of cowboy boots now LOL like they're onto something!!

My mom wasn't looking for anything in particular and was there to window shop, but I was there with my wallet ready. Typically at events like these, I search for pieces that suit my "70s does Edwardian" sensibilities: prairie dresses, florals and flounces and lace, Laura Ashley and Jessica McClintock and Gunne Sax. Speaking of Gunne Sax, it continually boggles my mind the way the resale value for those dresses have skyrocketed! Finding an affordable Gunne Sax dress nowadays can be hard when that wasn't the case a few years ago. While I tend to shop more "slowly" and am not opposed to paying a pretty penny for a high quality garment, I have to love it to pieces if I'm going to drop that amount of money, and even then! That ended up being the case at the fair, so my checking account was safe for another day.

We shopped around for a few hours and we couldn't believe how fast time flew by when we left! Super fun way to while away an afternoon, and I CANNOT wait to go again!!

I think that's all that's in me tonight, so until next time!

Love,
Sarah

But truthfully, it feels like I'm forcing it right now. Let's do a brief rundown instead!:

1. I registered for the classes I needed, yay! Each sound so fascinating and I'm excited to dive back into studies!

2. I created a timeline for grad school applications. Breaking things down into smaller steps makes a larger goal less insurmountable. Next step is finalizing my list of schools to apply for, which means a thorough check of their programs. In other words, productivity--yes, good.

But the feelings of inadequacy that are rearing up? No, not good.

But like. Despite my fears and doubts, I'm gonna do it anyway. Of course I am. YOLO and all that, right? They were about that back in ye olde 2012. What's hard is feeling like you're several steps behind. During undergrad, I majored in English. There is an overlap between that major and the direction I'm pivoting in, but applicants who majored in an area of study more closely aligned to my grad school goals certainly have an advantage! Not to mention that I didn't anticipate attending grad school at all seven years ago. Funny how things change.

What isn't is how academia isn't designed with that in mind. Yes it's crazy to expect every high schooler to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives, yes this has been established, yadda yadda yadda, but the very structure of things lacks flexibility for changed minds and persons. It's wild how much admittance is biased towards a transcript that can be several years old--even decades in some cases. Judgement biased towards a long ago snapshot. There's much to muse about this tbh, more than I express with tonight's jumbled up mind. All I can do is do my best, and that's all we can do with anything in life.

This ties back into the overarching theme of my feelings lately, which are, for lack of a better word, existential LMAO writing that out feels a little over the top, but it's true!! More than ever I'm aware of the fact that I'm getting older, my parents are getting older, friends... everyone and everything! Many are making big life changes as well. We're not immune to time's relentless march forward––and talk about nerve wracking! But I think having an awareness of this allows you to make the most of the time that IS available. Not taking it for granted is so important, and living with that in mind enables me to work through that existentialism.

Semi-related (not really) but you might have heard of the solar storm! Apparently, the sun sneezed like three times! It's happening right now so try to see if you happen to be reading this! The photos pouring out from around the world are just stunning.

If my brain wasn't pouring out of my ears, I'd think of some clever way of tying this tangent back to my little crisis about aging, buuuuut... this entry is also about doing our best, so hey! This is my best, and that's all I can do. Any typos can wait for tomorrow.

Love,
Sarah

Lately I haven't been doing much... which isn't ideal! Sometimes I just sight of the bigger pictures of my goals and dreams, and getting lost in a monotonous pattern. A slump, in other words. It happens to all of us though, and I'm doing my best to get back on the wagon! Today I washed and changed my bedsheets, tidied up, planned my outfits for the work week, and sorted out my planner. More excitedly, I also planned my class schedule for the upcoming summer and fall semesters!! These are courses required for my grad school applications, and I'm giddy to start! Not only will the material be fascinating, focusing on subjects centered around my passions lie, but taking them also means forward movement! Momentum! Opposite of monotonous ruts!

In my bullet journal's weekly spreads, I have a section for habit trackers which include a "goals" category. Goals in this insistence refer to the things I'm working towards on a weekly, monthly, quarterly, etc., basis. If I do something that furthers a goal, then the category box gets checked off. Big or small, the size doesn't matter--what matters is some amount of progress. One step forward is still a step closer to the finish line, and if you keep walking, you'll end up there at some point. This process enables goals being broken down into smaller pieces, making them much less overwhelming to achieve, too. All of this is useful with maintaining focus!

Anyway, what I have been doing a lot of (too much) lately is playing Stardew Valley! After the arduous process of updating all my moods, I've finally sunk my teeth into the 1.6 update. As expected, it's absolutely glorious. How much ConcernedApe cares about this game genuinely touches me to be tbh honest; the continual updates are filled with passion, each new discovery a delight. From the quality of life updates, deepening an already rich gameplay experience... it's a fantastic game and I'm so happy that something like it exists, as silly as it may sound. But it's just so amazing to see a project like this so driven by its creator's vision. In a world that's continually dominated by the whims of bigwigs and their profits, it's really refreshing! Like always there's more than I can say, BUT that'll be saved for an eventual SDV shrine. Eventually.....,,,,

Here are a few recent screenshots from one of my farms! You can probably tell that I'm very form over function, and I don't care at all about Optimizing(tm) LOL Obviously people can play their game however they want and that's totally cool, but personally speaking, I find money-making factory farms to go against the spirit of the game! Like after leaving the Joja Corporation, why would you want to become Joja 2.0 sfsfsd at least that's how I see it! No Efficiency for me, thanks--let me live out my pastoral cottagecore dreams, please and thank you!

Andddd that's about it! My main reason for this entry, honestly, is just to get back into the rhythm of journaling more regularly. Expect more soon, and other site updates. Lately I've been really enthusiastic about this and my other hobbies, which is a nice feeling. I hope you're all doing well!!

Love,
Sarah

I'm a young millennial. Like many others in my age group, I spent a chunk of my time as a teen and young adult in online spaces that were inundated with "oversharing." Oversharing of a person's innermost details regarding their health, relationships, traumas, sex lives, opinions on every topic in the world, and the list goes on and on and on. You name it, you saw it. We'd be here all day otherwise. While I've always had a proclivity towards privacy, keeping my innermost workings to myself, I participated in my own share of... oversharing. Maybe not as much as others, nor as graphically, but I made a vent post in my time.

What terrifies me, however, is that I can't take any of it back. Like truly.

There's beauty in the eternity that can exist through the internet. As ephemeral as it can be, a particular snapshot of yourself can live on through archives, screenshots, lines of data, whatever Google keeps in its vault... you can live forever, but you can also live forever. Specific lives you've lived that may not resonate with you. Humans evolved to evolve. We grow and change, live and die multiple times. This is down to the cells of our body; in a couple months, we regenerate trillions of them. In about seven years, we have new bodies. To me, this feels at odds with this eternal portrait of a person that exists on the internet.

Whatever I vented about as an 18-year-old does not necessarily reflect who I am today. Even on a celluar level, I'm a different person. And though you can delete things (I have, we all have), it doesn't delete the memory. Or on the chance that something was archived and a person engages with that material, it becomes alive again, fresh and immediate and new. It's because of this I'm very particular about what I share on a public space. I don't want my most private insecurities and struggles to be documented, indexed, and sold.

Even so, a part of me can't help but feel I can come across as "inauthentic." Or that my diary posts can be "shallow", or not "deep enough," or whatever else. It's that worry that plies at me--am I not open enough about my difficulties in life, do others feel like they don't really know me? Likely this is just me being weird, but still, I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

Let's break down why this fear exists in the first place:

1. A culture of oversharing on the internet still exists, and probably always will. Normalization of stuff, etc etc.
2. Because I struggle with being vulnerability in the first place, my standard to what I share will be different.

I want to clarify that I don't think there's anything wrong with venting or discussing hard parts of your life on the internet. Doing so allows you to engage with others who might have gone through something similar or in the thick of it themselves. It helps you to feel closer to others. I think what I'm attempting to figure out now are my parameters around sharing.

...You know, the answer occurred to me right now. My favorite answer for everything, tbh.

AND THAT'S BOUNDARIES, BABY!!

Okay, seriously. Internet culture at large fosters unhealthy boundaries. Oversharing is a symptom of this--telling too much personal information too quickly, for example, or demanding answers that intrude a person's privacy. This is an issue that's very present but we rarely think about and address. It's no wonder many of us are prone to social burnout. Even if it doesn't directly affect us, we're still exposed to it which impacts our stress levels.

Drawing up strong boundaries begin by defining your wants, needs, and values. This will be different for everybody, but these are the ones I've come up with:

1. What makes me feel safe?
2. Consider the levels of intimacy within in my own relationships. What do I feel comfortable sharing with an acquaintance versus a close friend versus my doctor?
3. What types of stuff would I feel comfortable with a person reading back on 40 years later?
4. Oversharing is not the same as vulnerability. Often, oversharing is a tool for deflection. There's a difference between oversharing and communicating your thoughts and feelings in an honest manner. Honesty is good! Great! Awesome!
5. Nobody is for your thoughts on certain topics, especially ones you feel unqualified or uneducated about. Nobody is entitled for you to constantly be plugged in. Nobody is entitled to the sacred parts of your soul.
6. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it meanly.
7. Physical diaries that nobody will ever see are a blessing and a gift.

Here's an article I found from an artist that really resonated with me, so you like reading it too. I'm sure that these principles will grow alongside myself and my website, but I feel these provide a good jumping off point. My goal is to practice digital journaling that respects how I change and evolve, like how humans are designed to do. Let's get excited for it!

Love,
Sarah

To celebrate, I took a few walks and soaked in the wonderful weather: gentle breezes, bright blue skies you can get lost in. If you listen closely, you can hear the thousands of souls coming alive. There's a chance of rain this weekend (always needed tbh), but we'll see if it pans out. Here in northern California, spring showers can be unpredictable. In the next week or so I want to clean out my closet, donate what's no longer needed, and get organized. Spring cleanings are a centuries-old tradition for a reason!

In the spirit of the season, I want to express my gratitude for upcoming opportunities as well. What I love about the future is how nothing is set in stone. Sure, anything can happen, for better or for worse, but... anything can happen! Lives can change in the span of a single day. There's excitement in watching the wheel turn, anticipating what comes next.

What's written in my near future are the classes I need to enroll in for my grad school applications. There are specific programs I have fallen in love with, and I'm happy to take the steps needed to apply. I'm thankful to feel confident in my current direction--and to have found one at all. Time passes regardless if you have a plan, but it's nice having a map.

Man. Would you believe it that I had more to say earlier in the day? To the point that this blog post wrote itself! Here we are though: sleepy and a bit brain-foggy. That's okay, it's the thought that counts!

Love,
Sarah

Many dislike the time change and it's totally understandable why they do, but I can't help it, I love it lol. In my opinion, the longer days are more energizing! It incentives me to be more active in all areas of my life, too.

What else... ah, last week a friend and me had a lovely day out! She's attending a music festival next month with plans to make an outfit for it. Since she's a beginner seamstress she wanted help with picking out the fabrics and we ended up making a day of it. We buzzed from store to store and while I didn't buy anything, it's always a joy to admire all the pretties! After shopping we grabbed dinner. I had a tuna poke bowl and ohhh I'm still dreaming of it! I need to learn to make them myself––they seem simple enough, right?

On Wednesday I saw another friend. That was a much more lowkey hangout: we talked and weeded the garden and watched her kids. Typically she tries to squeeze in a nap during the afternoons, but her parents were out of town and couldn't babysit that day. Me visiting worked out since it kept her going until her husband came home from work. I try to see her when we both can swing it; her hands are full and the company is good for both of us.

In the meantime, I hope that flowers bloom wherever you walk this season.

Love,
Sarah

Seasonal spreads also means more time to enjoy and tweak things as I see fit! To differentiate things, each month will be separated by container and with a different color theme, but we'll see how I feel by April. Either way I'm excited for this new era of digital journaling!!

Today at work, a poet and duo of musicians came to speak about their respective crafts. What an experience! Hearing a writer read their work is indescribable. Words dwelling in a person's mind are put to pen and then spoken aloud, like the completion of a cycle. The passion that is conveyed through the craft is touching; my heart starves for authentic expression, honestly.

Love,
Sarah